Random Personal Posts by Gaelen Gates

Yesterday, the Pacifica schools community pulled together, with the help of Kelley and all of our friends, to hold the public memorial for our good friend Tony Corten.

It was truly touching to see a high school gym completely filled with the teachers, staff, and families who knew Tony during his 17 years teaching and in school management.

There were so many sweet remembrances and, of course, performances of Beatles songs. Some of the children from the school where he was principal (Ocean Shore Elementary) sang “In My Life,” which made everyone tear up.

At the entrance, there were multiple big poster boards of messages the kids and adults have been writing about Tony. He was such a big personality, such a favorite of all the kids, and you could tell the outpouring of love was genuine and effusive.

Of course, it ended with the treat Tony was known for bringing to every party (and of which he has a tattoo): Boxes of pink sprinkle doughnuts.

Most touching, for me, was Erin’s speech, which she ended with, “I know that Tony had been deeply stressed lately. He was more blue, and more distant… I wish I had not been intimidated by his sadness, and insisted that he open up to me, or Kelley, or somebody. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Tony’s last gift to us is to have the resolve to check in more on each other. To ask difficult questions. To offer hugs, hold on a little closer, to be more tender and patient with little children, and our brothers and sisters in life. To ask how everyone is doing, and really listen closely for the answer. That is his gift to us…. Your death made it more clear to us than ever that we are the fabric that holds us together.”

After the public memorial, Stacey and Stef were kind enough to hold a gathering at their house in Pacifica, just for our chosen family, so that we could remind each other to do just that. I’m sure we will do even more of it at the private memorial coming up in a couple weeks.

I got an e-bike and started commuting to work about a year ago, and I’m sharing what I learned along the way, in case it’s of use to someone considering it.

1. You will need a lot of accessories. My eyes water in the wind (and going fast creates a lot of wind), so I found that I had to get dorky-looking clear glasses that block the wind. I found I also needed wind-proof gloves, because going fast in the cold morning air was freezing my hands. Same with a windbreaker. A LOUD electric horn was a must, because at e-bike speeds, you need people to hear you from a farther distance away. I needed pants straps for when I wear wide-legged pants. Then of course you’ve got the strong, expensive locks (I have a Litelok and the Kryptonite heavy chain) needed for a multi-thousand dollar vehicle.

2. You may need to do your hair and makeup at your destination. This is a big one, especially if your routine is complex, although it may not be the case if you live in a flat city. In San Francisco, I sweat going up a steep hill (often against the wind) even if I max the boost and go slowly, and my eye makeup was running by the time I got to work. Now I bring my makeup with me and do it when I arrive.

3. A surprising number of pedestrians don’t pay attention. When I first started cycling, I was shocked at how many people step out into the bike lane or street while looking the OPPOSITE WAY of oncoming traffic. I’m also surprised by how many people wear all black while walking at night. This is a big reason why you need the loud horn.

4. If you bike in urban areas, you will probably want to go overboard to be visible. San Francisco has a terrible track record of keeping pedestrians and cyclists safe, and as you ride, you will see how many intersections force cyclists into blind spots and too-narrow, unprotected shoulders. I have a fluorescent yellow helmet, a fluorescent yellow windbreaker that reverses into reflective fabric for night time, a flourescent yellow backpack cover, reflective pants straps, and a bunch of extra lights. The photo at the bottom is what I look like from behind.

5. You will find you use the e-bike a lot more than you expected. I just bought it for commuting, but in the city, riding a vehicle that goes almost as fast as a car but doesn’t need to find a parking spot (at least in San Francisco, there is bike parking everywhere) makes it my preferred method to get around if I’m not bringing the dogs. I have two wire-basket panniers on the sides, plus a basket in the front, so I can carry a decent amount of groceries or whatever else I need.

6. Yes, people really do steal e-bikes from inside of garages. I have had more than one friend to whom this happened! Theft is a real problem. I have an insurance policy for my bike that covers theft (our homeowners' insurance wouldn’t cover it), and we also installed a concrete anchor into the garage floor so I can lock it to the anchor at night. I hide the keys in a place that would be difficult for anyone to find if they broke into the house.

7. E-biking is actually exercise! (At least in San Francisco.) Riding my e-bike feels so easy versus the regular bike, that I assumed the activity level would be roughly similar to walking. Actually, my heart rate gets up to around 110-120: Higher than walking, lower than running, roughly similar to a weightlifting session for me. It’s a nice bonus!

For a decade, Adam and I went to South by Southwest for music every year. It was where we did most of our music discovery for the year. For those who aren’t familiar, people often refer to SXSW as a music “festival,” which isn’t really accurate. This isn’t a Coachella-like experience. It’s a music discovery conference that used to be mostly for people in the industry. The SXSW organizers would curate a list of around 1,500 mostly-unknown artists from around the world, and this was their chance to play in front of critics and people who run labels and venues – music industry tastemakers – in very intimate settings. Just about every bar, church, and coffee shop in downtown Austin is turned into an ad hoc music venue for the 6 days of showcases. I’ve seen artists who went on to become huge in a room with 50 people in it.

Planning our schedule would involve months of research ahead of time. On the basis of hearing a song or two, or someone else’s recommendation, the bands we wanted to see would go on my spreadsheet. Because the showcases are happening simultaneously from about noon to 2am every day, I would put about 200 acts on my list, but we would only be able to see about 100 of them. But still – 100 new bands! And several of them would always end up being favorites that I followed for years.

We kept track of our contemporaneous notes and photos via a Tumblr blog I set up in 2013. Looking through the blog, there are some I’ll never forget, and some I don’t remember at all. The best part of the event was that because bands played 40-minute sets back-to-back, we’d often find that a particular venue was off-schedule, and we would end up seeing someone that wasn’t even on our list, who turned out to be amazing.

Anyway, the SXSW organizers announced last week that they would be dramatically curtailing the event. The Music portion would be happening at the same time as “Interactive” and “Film,” which is terrible because the 1-2 nights that Music overlaps with Interactive were always the worst. You’d have tech people standing in front of the stage, yelling over the band, trying to “network.” The idea of having them around for the whole Music week is enough to make me not want to go back.

NPR’s “All Songs Considered” did an episode about what’s happening, their SXSW memories, and what these changes mean for the future of independent music. There was also a good article in the Texas Monthly, which is paywalled, so I copied it to a .doc here: “SXSW is Finally Changing. Is It Too Little, Too Late?"

The reality is, SXSW was already ending. One of the big issues is that Austin has exploded in growth during the last couple decades. SXSW used to take over Sixth Street, with all the venues adjacent to one another. But as Austin became more of a “party town,” where legions of basic bitches and bros would come for their bachelorette parties, etc., the Sixth Street bars found that it was more lucrative to just stay open as a bar rather than serving as a SXSW venue. As a result, the venues ended up being pushed farther East and South, which defeated the whole purpose of having them very close together so you could run from venue to venue to catch different performances. Having to walk a mile between showcases really puts a damper on both planning and spontaneity. And walking around a city where hordes of people were just there to get drunk was a far cry from the wonderfully weird Austin of the 90s, when SXSW got started. “Slacker” is now a historical documentary.

We hadn’t been to SXSW since 2023 because in 2024, I was leaving for my month-long 50th birthday trip in May, and this year (2025), I am working on a big project that will be in crunch time during the time that SXSW occurs. We had been excited to finally go back in 2026, but it sounds like the event will really be a shell of its former self. Maybe a smaller SXSW will be better – it had gotten a bit too big. Maybe the reduced scope will drive away the “Interactive” people and only the music (and film!) die-hards will show up. Anyway, we have time to decide.

1. Go with the walk signal. It’s the law in California that bikes can go with the pedestrian “walk” signal. Don’t just sit there until the green light so that everyone has to go around you. In urban areas, the “walk” signal turns green before the car green as a way to increase safety for pedestrians and cyclists, and if you’re waiting to go at the same time as the cars, you’re making everyone less safe.

2. Ride to the right. Especially if the bike lane is narrow, leave room for people to pass on the left if possible.

3. If you’re on a “regular” bike, and people are stopped at a light, don’t ride in and stop your bike ahead of the e-bikes because your fragile male ego (it’s ALWAYS a man) can’t handle the fact that others are ahead of and/or faster than you. Non e-bikes take longer to get going, and when it’s time to proceed, you are forcing the e-bikes to awkwardly go around you, often having to veer into the car lane.

4. Be mindful of others when parking. If the bike racks are close together, don’t lock your bike in a way that blocks others from removing their already-parked bikes or accessing their locks.

5. Don’t swerve unpredictably. Especiallly on Market St. at commute time, people are riding relatively closely together. Ride in a straight line, or at least look to make sure it’s clear before suddenly changing direction.

6. If you don’t need to pedal, it’s not a bike. Electric mopeds do not belong in the bike lane.

I’m sure I will think of other ones.

During the beginning of COVID lockdown, I started making homemade ice cream. But, like most homemade ice cream, it wasn’t that great! I LOVE ice cream, so I decided I was going to set out to make the BEST ice cream, better than you can buy in a store. Learning the science and experimenting with different recipes became my COVID hobby.

More than 400 batches later, I have achieved my goal. Friends tell me I make the best ice cream they’ve ever had. I’m able to make some of my favorite flavors that you can’t buy commercially, like real banana, and unexpectedly delicious combinations, like matcha with Grape-Nuts as a mix-in (trust me!).

Let’s get a few things out of the way first:

1. You need an ice cream maker to make ice cream. Don’t bother with so-called “no churn” recipes. The texture won’t be good. That being said, a basic freezer-bowl style Cuisinart ice cream machine is fine, and that’s what I started out with. I ended up upgrading to a compressor-style Whynter machine, but only because I wanted to be able to make more than one batch per day and wanted a bowl with a larger capacity. The quality of the ice cream wasn’t any different.

2. Ice cream, like baking, is based on chemistry. Each ingredient serves a purpose: Sugar lowers the freezing point, emulsifiers smooth the texture, milk solids give it “body,” fat creates the creamy mouthfeel. You can’t just throw ingredients together in any amount and expect it to come out well. You also can’t try nonsense like leaving out the sugar (unless you want a frozen ice block). If you want to learn more about the science, I highly recommend the book “Hello My Name is Ice Cream.” The website Ice Cream Science is also a great resource.

3. Once you have a good base recipe, you can learn to adapt it to different flavors. If you’re just adding a flavor agent, like vanilla, there’s no need to adjust. But if you’re adding, for example, strawberries, you’ll need to account for the fact that strawberries add sugar, non-milk solids, and water, and adjust accordingly. That will come from experience and experimentation. There are also ice cream calculators available online that you can use.

4. Keep it simple. Other recipes will overcomplicate things and tell you to temper the egg yolks, etc. You don’t need to do any of that. Just follow my method. You can get the stabilizers — Locust Bean Gum and Guar Gum — on Amazon, they’re not expensive, or you can use some other stabilizer (I used to swear by Cremodan 30, but they stopped making it). You can also do without any stabilizer, it will just mean the ice cream won’t keep as long in the freezer before it gets icy. I like my batches to last at least a few weeks.

**Ok, now for the base recipe: **

This is the “base” recipe all my flavors are built around. I’ll provide some of my specific recipes down below, but with a good base recipe, it provides a solid ground for experimentation. You’ll need a digital kitchen scale and a candy thermometer.

1. For certain flavors, prepare the milk and cream a day in advance by bringing it to a boil with the flavoring items (mint leaves, coffee beans, tea, etc.) and letting it sit together in the fridge overnight. Strain out the solids before using the flavored dairy.

2. Separate 3 large eggs (the yolks should be about 60g in weight, total). Just keep the yolks. With bird flu causing supply issues with real eggs, I’ve also used powdered egg yolks and reconstituted them with water per the directions.

3. Prepare an ice bath by nesting a smaller bowl (large enough to hold all the ice cream mixture) in a larger bowl of ice.

4. Add the following dry ingredients in a bowl (put the bowl on the kitchen scale), and stir them together thoroughly:

• Table sugar: 200g
• Skim milk powder: 60g
• 0.8g locust bean gum (1/4 teaspoon)
• 0.5g guar gum (1/8 teaspoon)
• Any powdered flavorings you want to use (cinnamon, cardamom, etc.)
• A pinch of salt

5. Put the following wet ingredients in the saucepan and mix thoroughly:

• Whole milk: 340g
• Heavy whipping cream: 460g
• Light corn syrup: 50g
• The 3 egg yolks (use a fork or whisk to break them up)

6. Slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, whisking constantly, until everything is dissolved. You can use an immersion blender if you feel like it.

7. Put the scale away and get out a candy thermometer. Attach the candy thermometer to the side of the saucepan.

8. Turn on the heat to medium-high and begin stirring almost constantly, with a silicone spatula so that you can keep scraping the sides/bottom, until the temperature reaches 180 degrees (10 minutes or so).BE CAREFUL NOT TO OVERCOOK OR THE EGGS WILL SCRAMBLE! The temp needs to be raised to 180 degrees to activate the locust bean gum. If you don’t have a candy thermometer, just watch until it starts to steam visibly. If not using stabilizers, you just want to pasteurize the eggs.

9. Turn off heat and continue stirring for a few more minutes to let the mixture thicken.

10. Pour the mixture into the container in your prepared ice bath.

11. Add any liquid flavorings to the mix, like puréed fruit or vanilla extract.

12. If the eggs scrambled a bit or the mixture is otherwise lumpy, hit it with an immersion blender to smooth it out. You can do this anyway if you want to ensure the smoothest texture.

13. Let the ice cream cure in the refrigerator overnight before churning in your ice cream maker according to the instructions. After churning, it should be a soft serve-like, goopy consistency — it will not have the consistency of finished ice cream.

14. After churning, put into your ice cream storage container as quickly as possible, and let it harden in the freezer for at least 4 hours or overnight. I like a double-hulled container that keeps the temperature more stable, like these Sumo ones. Enjoy!

Banana ice cream recipe:

Take 4 ripe bananas and break them into chunks. Put them in a sealable storage container. Heat up the milk + heavy whipping cream (increase the amounts by about 10% each), and then pour it over the bananas. Put the lid on and let it sit in your fridge for 2-3 days. Then remove the banana chunks. The extra milk and cream accounts for the amount that sticks to the bananas, but weigh it afterward and add some extra milk, if necessary, to bring the total to 800g. Then make the base recipe as usual.

Strawberry ice cream recipe:

Take 450g of fresh or frozen strawberries, and cook them on low on the stovetop for a couple of hours, until they get very jammy. The goal is to cook out as much of the water as possible. Stir in a teaspoon of Tajín.

Then make the ice cream as above, but with the following amounts:

• 60g of corn syrup
• 270g whole milk
• 370g heavy whipping cream
• 3 egg yolks
• 190g of sugar
• 50g skim milk powder
• 1/8 teaspoon guar gum
• 1/4 teaspoon locust bean gum

Once it’s done cooking, blend in the cooked-down strawberries with an immersion blender.

Ginger ice cream recipe:

Take a big hunk of ginger, maybe 200g-ish. Chop it into very small pieces (no need to peel it). Put it in a sealable container with 220g sugar, then let it sit for a day or two. The sugar will draw the moisture out of the ginger and become soupy. Boil it briefly to kill the enzyme that will curdle the milk, then add the milk. Strain out the ginger pieces. Use the remaining milk/sugar combination to make the base recipe above as usual.

Blueberry ice cream recipe:

Similar to the strawberry recipe, take 450g of fresh or frozen wild blueberries, cook them on low on the stovetop for a couple of hours, until they’re cooked-down and jammy. Then make the ice cream with the following ingredients:

• whole milk 400g
• heavy whipping cream 320g
• light corn syrup 45g
• 3 egg yolks
• 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
• sugar 215g
• skim milk powder 55g
• ¼ teaspoon of Tajin
• 1/8 teaspoon guar gum
• 1/4 teaspoon locust bean gum

How to add chocolate straciatelli to any flavor:

Take half of a dark chocolate bar and about a teaspoon of coconut oil, and melt them on the stove or in a microwave. As the ice cream is churning, slowly drizzle the chocolate into the bowl. The chocolate will harden as soon as it hits the ice cream and break apart into small chocolate flecks.

How to add a swirl/ribbon to any flavor:

Make your ribbon (I like fruit cooked together with corn syrup) and churn the ice cream. As you’re removing your ice cream from the machine and putting it into the storage container, layer in the ribbon. Do one layer of ice cream, one layer of ribbon, one layer of ice cream, etc. Then take a chopstick or butter knife and swirl it back and forth just slightly to spread it around.

NOTE: I published this elsewhere 10 years ago, on a platform that is now mostly defunct, so thought I would share it again here. I’ve updated it a little, but generally all this advice still holds!

I suffered from terrible insomnia for most of my adult life. This topic came up again recently, so I decided I’d finally take the time to write a post about it in hopes that it may help someone. First and foremost, let me note that insomnia is often a symptom of depression and anxiety — and can be related to undiagnosed medical conditions like thyroid dysfunction — so it’s important to talk to a doctor and make sure any underlying conditions are being properly treated first.

That being said, I suffered for decades trying to get help from more than one doctor and I always got the same condescending nonsense like “try drinking warm milk” and everything else that someone who has been researching this issue for years would’ve already tried. To be clear, this piece isn’t intended for people with occasional sleeplessness, for whom “have you tried taking melatonin?” is a reasonable suggestion and not the sort of question that makes you want to scream. This is for people like me who have suffered from serious insomnia for so long that they have become willing to make meaningful life changes to address it.

This is what worked for me. Your mileage may vary. I think it’s important to know that over the past decade or so, I have significantly changed my life in order to manage both my anxiety and insomnia. I’ve made a lot of changes that will probably seem like too much work for most people. But for me, feeling calm, rested, and energetic most days — I have more energy than I did in my 20s and 30s, even though I’m 50 now — is worth the attendant sacrifices. I also made these changes gradually over the years, not all at once, which made things easier.

Here are the strategies I employ today:

Exercise-related strategies:

I wake up at the same time every morning (5:30am) and do an hour of intensive cardio or strength training. This is, by far, the most important part of my strategy. Forget excuses like “I’m not a morning person” (no one is, at 5:30am), “I just can’t” (yes you can), etc. I’ve been doing it for years and it’s still not easy, but what makes it easier is (1) making sure I’m strict about going to bed when I intend to (10pm), (2) going the gym every day rather than just a few times a week (your body eventually gets used to waking up at the same time every day), (3) belonging to a gym right near my work (so I’m able to fully wake up while I’m on the subway) (Update: During COVID I took the opportunity to build out my home gym, and that makes it even easier!), and (4) setting everything up the night before (lay out my gym clothes, pack my work clothes in my gym bag for the next day) so that all I have to do is wake up, throw my gym clothes on, chug some coffee, and walk out the door. Getting my exercise in early ensures that by the end of the day, my body is physically worn out and ready to sleep. If you have to bring kids to daycare or have other reasons morning workouts are impossible for you, try doing it at lunch — any time other than after work, which tends to keep my system “revved up” beyond my intended bedtime.

I walk the dogs in the evening after work. Unlike my intensive morning workout, this is just a relaxing 15–30 minute stroll around the neighborhood. This helps tire my muscles out just a little bit more and make the transition between work and home. Seeing my pups so excited to get outside helps me shake off whatever minutiae was stressing me out during the workday and focus on what’s important.

I do a few minutes of yoga before bed. Just before I get into bed to read, I do a few yoga poses that require strength: chair pose, warrior 3, side planks, etc. It helps relax my muscles one final time. I am a person who gets very “fidgety” when I can’t sleep, so tiring myself out physically is key to managing my insomnia.

Light-related strategies:

I use a SAD light every morning while I drink my coffee. You can use any light that’s intended to treat SAD (just Google “seasonal affective disorder light therapy” and you’ll get a ton of options). Not as essential in the summer, but key for me in the winter.

I get natural light during the workday. I make sure I’m experiencing natural light as much as possible during the day. I have my desk next to a window now, but I’ve had to work in cubicles where there was no natural light whatsoever, which made it all the more important to get outside for a walk at lunch. Even 20 or 30 minutes of daylight makes a difference.

Strategies related to my bedtime habits:

I have a bedtime ritual that starts 1–2 hours before the time I want to be asleep. During this time I focus on things that are calming or otherwise part of my evening routine: Chatting with my partner about our days, noodling with the guitar, packing my gym bag for the next morning, playing with our dogs. I try to avoid doing anything stimulating or stressful like making phone calls, paying bills, etc.

I write things down before bed. I keep a gratitude journal on my nightstand and, every night, write down at least 5 things I was particularly grateful for that day. That helps put me in a relaxed, positive frame of mind for sleeping. I have a separate “worry journal” where I write down everything I need to do or am otherwise fretting about that might keep me awake. I tell myself that I can open the notebook and resume worrying about these things in the morning, but for now, I am closing the notebook and putting them aside. These are both just mindfulness rituals that work for me, but different things work for different people. Other rituals that work for people I know: Writing down their worries on little pieces of paper and burning them with a candle, saying a prayer out loud, meditating, drawing a picture that sums up their day.

I read in bed for up to an hour, in the dark, using either the Instapaper or Kindle apps on my phone with the white-text-on-black-background setting engaged. I hate how some people insist that ALL DEVICES must be verboten before bedtime, or that doing anything in bed — including reading — is a problem. Here’s what I DON’T do for an hour before sleep time (I get in bed at 9pm with the goal of being asleep by 10pm): Surfing the web on my phone or a computer, replying to emails, watching TV, doing anything under bright lights. Here’s what I DO do: Get into bed, turn off the lights, turn off all notifications on my phone, and read a book on my Kindle app with the white-text-on-black-blackground setting engaged. For me, it’s critical to turn off any banner notifications or other distractions that might pop up while I’m reading. All I have access to is the book or article in front of me. I find this helps me fall asleep even more quickly than reading a paper book (or non-backlit Kindle) under dim light. Somehow the total darkness is what signals to my brain that sleep time is coming. I give myself an hour, though, so I am able to relax and lose myself in the story before I start getting anxious that I’m not feeling sleepy yet.

I sleep with earplugs, a white noise machine, and have very dark window shades. I said at the beginning how this was one of the annoying suggestions, but really: Try keeping the room dark and silent or with white noise only. If you close your eyes at night and find it’s darker than when you had them open, then you need to cut off some sources of light. I have shades that block out the streetlights and neighbors’ backyard lighting, and put black electrical tape over chargers and other devices with lights on them. Other people I know use white noise machines in addition to the earplugs.

Diet-related strategies:

I don’t drink alcohol. When I was younger I relied on having a glass or two of wine before bed to help me sleep, but the problem with that is that, like any addictive substance, the amount I “needed” kept increasing. Plus, alcohol disrupts your REM sleep and can wake you up in the middle of the night when the effects wear off. I quit drinking for a variety of reasons, but was surprised to find that one of the benefits was how much better I started sleeping (not at first, but after about 6 months).

I make lunch my big meal of the day. This helps me avoid eating a large, high-calorie meal right before bed, which can also interfere with sleep. I look forward to a filling and flavorful lunch as my “big meal.” I also block out my work calendar from 12p-1p weekdays, so people don’t try and schedule meetings during that time, forcing me to just grab something on the run.

Caffeine? This doesn’t apply to me, personally (I drink plenty of coffee!), but some people are particularly sensitive to caffeine due to genetic differences in how they metabolize it. My partner is one of those (I’m not, thank goodness!). He can have a cup of coffee at noon and it will keep him awake 10 or 12 hours later. If you’re reading this, you might try cutting out caffeine temporarily to see if you are one of these people.

Strategies around medication:

I took drugs at first, but not Ambien. The two groups of commonly-prescribed drugs, (1) Ambien-type drugs and (2) prescriptions classified as benzodiazapenes (i.e. Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, etc.) are intended for short-term use and quickly lose effectiveness — and the latter are dangerously addictive. Once I finally found a doctor who took my sleep issues seriously, we set about trying to find a non-addictive medication that could help over the long term and was safe for me to take for months at a time. People I know have found success with a first-generation antidepressant called trazodone, but it gave me terrifyingly realistic nightmares that felt like hallucinations (a known side effect). What worked for me was quetiapine fumarate, which is an anti-psychotic that’s used off-label for insomnia. It comes with significant side effects and requires monitoring, but it was worth the risks for me. I was eventually able to taper off of it, but I took it while I was working on other lifestyle changes to get my insomnia under control. My point is that there are non-addictive, non-Ambien options that are available, but the tough part is finding a doctor who takes you seriously and doesn’t give you the same “try taking a warm bath!” nonsense.

I take melatonin, but I don’t actually know if it does anything. From what I’ve read, melatonin gets destroyed in a person’s stomach, so taking it as a pill that you swallow is much less effective. I get the kind that dissolves under your tongue and take 5mg of it about an hour before bed. I actually don’t know that this helps, but it doesn’t seem to hurt.

(Update: At 50, I’m now on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and the 200mg progesterone I take at night really helps with falling asleep quickly too!)

Strategies related to my lifestyle and way of thinking:

I have a meditation practice and I make it a priority. Mine is part of a larger Buddhist practice focused on letting go of trying to control the world around me and accepting things as they are, which is helpful in reducing general anxiety and, as a result, insomnia. But even on its own, I think meditation is helpful. I try to meditate every day, even if only for 10 minutes, which helps me practice getting my mind into the place of stillness that is helpful when trying to fall asleep. Meditation is great for learning how to quiet the “noisy voices” that would not stop reminding me of everything I needed to do the next day when I was trying to fall asleep. I find the Buddhify app useful for guided meditation.

I remind myself that not sleeping is not the end of the world. I was raised to think that there were certain rules that had to be followed, and if you followed them all to the letter, your life would be perfect and nothing bad would ever happen to you (that’s how it works, right)? For me, that also applied to getting 8 hours of sleep. If I wasn’t sleeping, I began to have meta-anxiety about getting into bed, and worrying about my insomnia kept me awake. That would’ve been funny if it weren’t so frustrating! Now, when I have the occasional sleepless night, I keep in mind that people with infants, those living in war zones, people who have to work multiple shift jobs, and many others are able to survive on surprisingly small amounts of sleep. Not sleeping for a few nights might make me tired and irritable, and isn’t great for my health, but I will survive, and I will eventually go back to normal sleep patterns. It’s not the end of the world.

I check the calendar. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that my occasional bouts with intense anxiety always came 1–3 days before my period was scheduled to start. I still typically only get 4 or 5 hours of very light sleep, waking every hour or so, for at least one night during that time. Knowing that it’s just a hormonal issue and that it will pass in a night or two — and being able to anticipate that it was going to happen — made it easier to tolerate.

I undertook other life changes to address my depression and anxiety. This would be a whole ‘nother post, but I have made many other changes to improve my mental health and which contribute to my feeling more relaxed and less stressed overall, which I have to assume contributed to relieving my insomnia. These include engaging in talk therapy, volunteering, choosing jobs that are not as high-pressure as many in my field, investing in my social safety net by prioritizing making time with old and new friends, and taking steps to simplify my life.

I hope this helps someone. Good night and good luck.

I never learned about perimenopause. I knew that women experienced symptoms when they went through menopause, which I thought of us as being a time in your 50s when you stopped having periods. After a few years of learning about the topic, now I won’t shut up about it. I want all women in their 40s to hear about it, so they don’t have to go through the years of running down weird and random symptoms like I did.

First of all, I can’t recommend enough the book “The Menopause Manifesto” by Dr. Jen Gunter. It’s where I learned a lot of this stuff. I also like “Hot and Bothered” by Jancee Dunn.

Anyway, when I was about 44-45, I started experiencing a variety of symptoms. Most alarming were my periods getting heavier, longer, and closer together (at one point lasting about 10 days and occurring every 3 weeks!). I also started having random abdominal pain, and I was gaining weight in an uncontrollable way – I have “fat genes” and have worked hard to manage my weight my whole life, and I knew exactly what I needed to eat and do to keep my weight stable, but none of that was working. Even when I was practically starving myself, the numbers on the scale kept going up. My hair was thinning a bit. I felt tired a lot more, and my brain felt like it wasn’t working as well as it used to. The most frustrating symptom to deal with was recurrent UTIs, and bladder pain even when tests indicated no infection.

These symptoms started coming on sometime around the beginning of the COVID lockdown, after which I had to cancel my large, indoor, 150-person August 2020 wedding and started a new job. Then I planned an entirely different, outdoor, COVID-safe wedding for 30 people in May 2021. So to some degree, I chalked it up to COVID and a lot of life changes. But the period wonkiness and abdominal pain were impossible to just write off, and the constant UTIs were really impacting my life. Kaiser sent me to a variety of different specialists, and I had a barrage of tests, ultrasounds, and even physical therapy for a potentially hypertonic (too tight) pelvic floor. I had a Mysore procedure to scrape out overgrown tissue and potential polyps from my uterus. But nothing turned up a definitive answer. I went on medication for the bladder pain, which was presumed to be Interstitial Cystitis.

Finally, my constant internet research led me to learn about perimenopause. I read “The Menopause Manifesto” and learned that frequent UTIs and wonky periods could be symptoms. I mentioned it to my urogynecologist, who said, “But you’re still having periods”…. and that’s when I realized a lot of DOCTORS don’t even know much about perimenopause.

Finally, I switched to an OB-GYN who had a clue. She put me on birth control pills as a “beginner” form of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). I didn’t really think it would work. But magically, ALL the symptoms suddenly went away! I was floored.

Eventually, last year, the birth control pills stopped working as well, and the symptoms started to come back, along with hot flashes and worse brain fog. My doctor switched me to “real” HRT – estradiol patches and 200mg progesterone for 12 days a month. She said eventually my periods will stop, and then I’ll start taking the progesterone every day. So far, it’s been amazing. I have more energy, I feel great, and my weight is coming back down. My periods are normal, even though I’ve stopped the birth control pills.

I’m writing all this so that if you, dear reader, are in your 40s and experiencing weird symptoms, please do pick up “The Menopause Manifesto” and see if some of your symptoms match what’s described. Women are often gaslit and told it’s all in their minds or just “stress,” as I was. Most infuriatingly, MULTIPLE doctors suggested I “try yoga” or some kind of light exercise, despite my records saying I was a lifelong distance runner who also lifted weights (and yes, did yoga), and that I did a hard workout every single day. It was patronizing and made me feel crazy.

Related to being athletic, I also recently started listening to the “Hit Play not Pause” podcast, which is geared towards athletes going through perimenopause and menopause, and it’s great, I can’t recommend it enough.

Anyway, I hope this post is of service to someone. I also want to mention that I got my personal record half-marathon time last November, at age 49! Don’t believe that these changes have to sideline your athletic goals and your life. Keep being a “problem patient” and push your doctors to come up with a real answer. Don’t let them gaslight you! And if you’re a lawyer, I can vouch for the fact that repeatedly telling your HMO that you “want to get the denial in writing, please, as I’m a lawyer and need it for my records in case I need to file a malpractice claim” is a very helpful way to get Kaiser to pay attention to your needs!

The local Pacifica news outlet ran a very nice piece on my good friend Tony Corten, who recently passed away very unexpectedly. I’m told that it has since been paywalled for some viewers, so I’m pasting it here so friends and family can continue to share and enjoy it.

Link: https://www.coastsidenews.com/news/pacifica-school-principal-and-teacher-anthony-corten-dies/article_4e7cb19a-f534-11ef-ba57-5b9d33b46031.html

Pacifica school principal and teacher Anthony Corten dies

By Kathryn Wheeler Feb 27, 2025

Anthony (Tony) Corten, principal at Pacifica’s Ocean Shore School and a teacher in the Pacifica School District for 17 years, has died.

The district confirmed his death in an email to the community Wednesday, recalling his legacy as a leader and educator. “Throughout his seventeen years of dedicated service at Pacifica School District, he touched the lives of countless students, families, and colleagues, leaving an enduring legacy of kindness, leadership, and commitment to students,” the superintendent’s email said.

The cause of death has not been released publicly, although according to multiple community members it was unexpected.

Corten leaves behind his wife, Kelley Corten, who owns Royal Bee Yarn Co. on Palmetto Avenue in Pacifica. The two were married for 34 years according to an Instagram post by Kelley Corten in December. In less than 13 hours, a GoFundMe page organized by friend of Corten, Thomas McDonald, raised more than $23,000 for Corten’s family.

On the GoFundMe page, community member Cheryl Ammeter wrote, “Our community lost a precious member. Tony was kind, wise, talented, and always happy to share his many gifts to make the world a better place. His passion for teaching and shaping young hearts and minds is irreplaceable.”

Justin Cottrell, a parent of a former Ortega School student, wrote that Corten was one of his daughter’s favorite teachers. “She often spoke about how creative and engaging he was in the classroom and how deeply he cared for his students. His passion for teaching and the connections he built with those around him left a lasting impact.”

Beyond teaching, Corten, originally from the United Kingdom, was a passionate musician who played multiple instruments. Four days ago, Kelley Corten shared an Instagram post showing new matching tattoos she and Tony got that read, “Joy as an act of resistance.” Tony Corten was often featured in his wife’s Instagram posts, showing off her knitted pieces or newly dyed yarn.

According to the district email, school counselors are available to provide resources and emotional support for students, staff, and families.

Coastside News will continue to share news and reflections about Corten as community members process the tragic news.

I’ve been asked this many times over the past year or so, so I thought I’d write it all out here so I can just send the link to people.

The first thing potential e-bike purchasers will hear is that “you should go to a few different bike stores and just test ride some bikes.” This is the right advice. You might be saying “Ain’t nobody got time for that! Just tell me what to buy!” But the thing is that there are a LOT of features on an e-bike where one choice is no “better” than the other, it’s just a matter of what your preference is.

Before you go in to ride bikes, these are some parameters and choices you will want to think about:

How fast do you want to go? E-bikes are separated into two different buckets (in California, technically 3 classes): those that are pedal-assist and don’t really go more than 20mph, and ones that have a throttle, don’t require pedalling, and are essentially mopeds (and go faster than 20mph).

What kind of range do you need on the battery? The longer the range (how far you can go on a single charge), the heavier the battery will be, and usually the more expensive it will be. So I chose to buy the minimum range for my needs (about 25 miles, the way that I use it). Remember that the “stronger” the pedal assist, and the larger the motor, the more quickly the battery will run out, so a lot will depend on your riding style.

How light do you need the bike to be? The larger the battery and the stronger the motor, the heavier the bike will be. I wanted one that I could carry up stairs if I had to. It’s still pretty heavy, but I can carry it for short distances. A lot of models would be too heavy for me to carry at all. Maybe you’re okay with that, or you’re very strong.

Do you want a cargo bike? Cargo bikes are very useful, but they are heavier, harder to park, and might be overkill if you won’t be carrying cargo often. I have 2 collapsible wire panniers on either side of my bike, a back rack, and a front basket, and that usually has enough capacity for anything I carry (but we also have a car if we’re buying stuff that’s really large).

How much do you want to spend? I started out not wanting to spend more than $2,500, but ended up going up to $4,000 because I LOVED the bike I chose, it met all my needs, and I didn’t want to buy a cheaper bike and then want to upgrade in a year because there were too many things I was annoyed about. But there is a HUGE range of pricing, and if that’s your top criteria, you can find many useful options under $2,000. You may also want to consider how securely you’ll be able to keep the bike (mine stays in my own locked garage, with multiple angle-grinder proof locks securing it to a concrete anchor in the floor, plus the built-in cafe lock) – if you’re in a shared apartment garage, etc., you might go for a less expensive model.

How strong do you need the motor to be (torque)? To answer this question, I recommend testing any bikes on some steep hills. My requirement was that I wanted to be able to get it up the steepest hills of San Francisco, but I’m also reasonably athletic and don’t mind putting some muscle into it. If where you live is mostly flat, you can get away with a lot less torque.

Will you need to remove the battery to charge it? If you can’t park it in a garage overnight where you can plug it in, you’ll need to limit yourself to batteries that can be easily removed and taken elsewhere to charge. The nice thing about these models is that you can buy an extra battery, and swap them out immediately when one runs out, rather than waiting to recharge.

Do you want a hub-drive motor or mid-drive motor? This is something you’ll only be able to tell by riding the bikes. For me, the mid-drive motor felt much smoother and more comfortable. But it’s just a feature to be aware of and maybe read up on.

What annoys you about riding bikes NOW? I found that a lot of e-bike models addressed the factors that often dissuaded me from riding a bike, most notably: (1) my e-bike has a covered chain so I don’t need to worry about it ruining my pants, (2) it doesn’t have a horizontal bar in the middle so you have to climb onto it, you just step on, and (3) the handlebars are very upright, so I can sit normally on the bike instead of hunching over. Also, we all have differently-shaped and -proportioned bodies, and certain models might just feel more comfortable for you.

I ended up with a Gazelle Arroyo C5, from The New Wheel in Bernal Heights. I’ve been riding it for about a year and a half, and I love it!

My book club started in 2007, and when I talk to people about it, they often say something like “I had a book club but we just stopped meeting,” etc., and they asked how we’ve kept this one going for 18 years. I’ve given this advice many times, so I thought I would just write it down.

1. The most important part is to buddy up with people who value reading. Especially in the case of “moms” (sorry, moms), many people are more interested in saying they are in a book club, or socializing with their friends, than they are in actually reading. That’s fine, but maybe what you want to start is a monthly get-together rather than a book club.

2. The second most important part is to choose the date and time of the next meeting AT THE PREVIOUS MEETING. Then keep that date and time, even if not everyone can make it. If you try and set or change the date over email, your book club is doomed, because there won’t be a date that everyone can make, and over email, no one will want to say “let’s just have it on X date even though Jen can’t come,” and the thread will just go silent. But in person, Jen is likely to volunteer, “It’s OK, if that’s the only date that works for everyone, I’ll just skip that meeting.”

3. When picking the date, also pick the “club host” for the next meeting. It’s the club host’s job to come up with a few discussion questions to get things going, and to keep the discussion on topic (i.e. remind people that we’re discussing the book!) if it veers off for too long.

4. Plan time for socializing! People will naturally want to catch up with each other. At my book club, we plan 6-7 to eat and chat. At 7, the club host reminds everyone that it’s time to discuss the book.

5. This is optional, but keep track of the books you read. I have always kept a spreadsheet, and it’s fun to look back on the nearly 200 books we have read together.

6. It helps if you start with a core group of people who are already friends. That way, people have extra incentive to show up, even if they haven’t read the book, because they want to see each other.

7. We choose our books 2 books ahead — in other words, at each meeting, we already know what book we’ll be reading next, and vote on the book that we’ll read after that. That way, people can read ahead and then stay on track when life gets busy and they don’t have time to read.

8. The way we have found effective for picking books is: a) We have a running list of nominations. Anyone can nominate a book while present at a meeting (not over email!). That’s another incentive to attend. b) At each meeting, everyone gets 2 votes, and we go through the nominations list. You can vote for 2 different books or cast 2 votes for the same book. c) A book that gets 0 votes at any meeting is taken off the running nominations list. d) Book with the most votes wins.

9. We score our books at each meeting, because that gives people another incentive to attend. At the end of the meeting, each person rates the book from 0.0 to 5.0, and we record the average.

Those are the most important habits that have kept my book club going for 18 years. It also helps to have someone organized and good at project management (in this case, me!) running the show and jumping in if someone drops the ball.

Happy reading!

For a long time now, I’ve wished I had a user-friendly way to write mostly-text blog posts, given that most platforms of that type disappeared years ago (R.I.P., Blogspot). But something very tragic and unexpected happened yesterday, and it reminded me that there is no time like the present to say what you need to say.

The thing that happened was losing my good friend Tony Corten. He and his wife Kelley were one of those wonderful couples who loved each other dearly and were kind and supportive to so many friends. He is in one of my favorite photos of this group of friends from our wedding.

He, Kelley, and our other friend Dawn recently got matching tattoos that said “JOY as an act of resistance.” He was so joyful. Kind, funny, thoughtful, and generous. It’s hard to believe he’s gone. He was over for brunch just last Saturday (Kelley had to run the shop), and the box of tea and jar of jam he brought us are still sitting on my counter.

Tony was the Principal of Ocean Shore elementary school in Pacifica, after many years as a teacher and then Vice Principal, and was loved by his many former students and colleagues. Here is a nice article about him. Here is a fundraiser to support his family.

He will be missed by so many people. The world is a little bit worse without him in it.